Rebecca and I were so blessed to be reunited this past Christmas break at the annual Rise Up conference. We rung in the New Year with dancing till 2 am, praise & worship, and a reunion with other gals we lived with that summer we first met on mission. Could not have asked for a better way to start this new year.
I’m now back to the busyness of a new life in Prince George, B.C. You might recall I wrote a little bit about the move here. For the first time in my life, I find myself living alone.
The first couple nights, I dreaded coming home after work. I dreaded putting my key in the door, twisting open the lock, and coming home to a dark hallway and complete silence. I found myself switching on all the lights to make the place seem more lively, and then found myself switching them off when I realized there was no one to replace a light bulb if it burned out; no one to yell for if I spotted a spider or the toilet got plugged. It’s just me. As an extrovert, it was all quite pitiful.
But then one morning, I had this thought – God was allowing this. He had provided me with a more than affordable, comfortable apartment and was allowing this. I decided, I could trust Him with even this.
I went to spiritual direction with a sister who is a hermit…oh the irony! She told me to embrace this. I thought of Catherine Doherty’s book ‘Poustinia‘ (have you read it??) and it was as if the very walls of the apartment that I saw as desolation became consolation.
So perhaps I learn to replace light bulbs and unplug toilets and kill spiders…more importantly, I learn to embrace the solitude, the quiet, the ‘alone-ness’ with Him. I can learn to sit with Him and be still.
In Poustinia, Doherty writes that you eat when you feel like it and sleep when you feel like it. You above all, LISTEN to what the Lord is saying in the time where you are alone.
What good am I in serving others if I don’t have time to hear the Lord? What use am I if I am giving non-stop and giving the Lord no time to receive Him?
These are all things I’ve been reflecting on since realizing I could trust Him in even this. Yes, my heart still longs to live in community – the way Becs and I did that summer in Ottawa serving on Impact, but I see that He longs to fulfill that desire. He longs to be my companion first before any other person. Am I afraid to give that to Him?
There is a time for loud, rambunctious, laughs and fun and there is a time for quiet, time alone, and for complete silence. And just this past week, I’ve seen Him provide me with both – enough laughter to give me an ab workout, enough fellowship and community to fill my heart, and when I open the door of the apartment, I sit with Him for a little while ready to receive Him. I am not alone.
What’s your living sitch? Would love to hear!