The other day, I finally found the grace I needed to go to confession. I had needed to go for a while. Several days ago, I woke up 40 minutes before my alarm giving me just enough time to get ready and get my butt to Mass. It was God’s way of saying, “Hey Eunice, go to confession today.”
I have been struggling with the same batch of sins for what feels like forever; consistently confessing the same things (can you relate?). And after the latest fall, I had decided I was so sick of running back and having to face the same sin, so I purposely held myself back from confession and turned my back for a bit.
I kept saying no to His gentle invitations, thinking it was my way of ‘protecting’ my heart, but instead it was breaking my heart being so distant from Him. Every single time in the Eucharist, I felt such war in my heart. My heart was so restless fighting against my own pride. Finally, desire for union with Him trumped any pride I was holding onto. And the moment I chose to ask for forgiveness and accept my part, I began to feel tidal wave after tidal wave of His mercy.
As I knelt before Him that morning after confession, I began to see that sometimes our dear Lord allows us to fall time and time again so that we can come to understand the enormous DEPTH of His great mercy and love for us! Perhaps this is why great sinners make for even better saints, because they truly understand His mercies. It is like in Luke 7:41-43 when the debt of two are forgiven, but the one who loves the creditor more is the one who obviously had more debt.
If I had not fallen and if I had not held myself back from His forgiveness for those weeks that I did, I would not have come to see the enormous abundance of mercy He has in store. He is waiting for us not with condemnation or judgement, but with great mercy. He is ever patient, so if you’re not ready, it’s okay too. Just don’t hold yourself back for too long, because His mercy is just too good. Why did I wait so long to experience His mercy??
“It is not He who grows weary of us; it is we who grow weary of looking at our ugliness.”
// Fr. Jean D’Elbee
“The favors of the Lord are not exhausted, his mercies are not spent;
They are renewed each morning,
so great is His faithfulness.”
// Lamentations 2:22-23